ok. yes.
I know.
pretty obvious now.
it figures.
well,
I will walk anyway.
and take my photos.
and write, yes, write.
and smile.
I am like that.
I get inspired by it.
it makes me better.

There is some noise outside.

I try to close my eyes anyway.

The sound fades away.

Like everything does eventually.

I have the "let's just be friends" speech down pat. I can recite for having received it so many times. After one date, after having had sex a couple of times, after a relatioship of a few months. I cantell when they're going to say it. Basically because it is preceded by the " we should talk" line.

I'm trying to decide which one hurt the most. Maybe the one with B. I had been crazy about her since high school, but nithing had happened. Suddenly I see her again at a small party and it was awesome. The chemistry was there. It seemed like a wonderful story, meeting again 10 years after high school. 

On the first date she gave a short kiss. Ok. I thought.

On the second date, the same. Still I was crazy about her.

On the third date, I tried to kiss her passionately in the mouth and she panicked. You could have sworn she was terrified by my act. It seemed I had done something terrible. The night ended on a weird note.

Next day she called me and gave me the let's be friends routine. That hurt. She did not even guve me a chance. 

I saw her years later at a dinner party. We talked a bit. I was still dying for her. Life is that way.

I don't recall what I did when I got home after dinner. Probably played an old, sad song and had a beer.

And maybe think about how things could have been different.

I love the silence.

I am not afraid of it.

Silence when I'm alone.

Silence when I'm with a good friend.

Silence with a lover.

Silence is sometimes deeper and stronger than words.

Some people have to fill every moment with words, jokes, cleverness.

Not me.

Give me silence and a smile and I'm the happiest person in the world.

The other day I thought of M, a guy I used to know in college. He was Jewish, but had an obsession with oriental women. That's all he dated and cared about. He once came to visit me and I asked him whether he would be interested in a Latino women, and he would agree that some of them were really sexy. But not as sexy as Oriental women.

He was one of the first persons I knew who went into online dating sites. Back when it was something reserved for losers of both sexes. He had date after terrible date, but always with an Oriental woman.

We lost touch many years ago. This was in the age before texts, emails and less intrusive communication forms, so he used to call me at night a couple of times a month to talk. And me, being tired from work was in no mood to answer. Guess he got mad and didn't call me again. I tried to reach out with an email telling him I wanted to know how he was doing. He never answered.

But one day I googled his name and it led to a blog. In it was a photo of M getting married. He was beaming with joy. Next to him was the bride. An Asian woman. 

I smiled.

Note to self. Go on heavy diet when I get home. 

The ocean rolling by.

Just the sound of that.

My thoughts are calm, surprise, surprise.

Decisions to a minimum.

Just this.

This.

Seeing the view.

Capuccino in hand. All good.

Good night sweet prince....

The day is gone.

A chance closes.

I am sort of sleepy.

There's a book next to me in bed.

A book about positive thinking.

I like reading things like that late at night. 

To feel things are fine.

Life is what we deem it.

Right?

I wonder why I'm looking back like this. There is no need. And why concentrate on the bad things, when there were good moments. But I need to trace back the darkness, the fears. And they were there all the time. Now I understand somewhat. 

There were moments back then that scare me when I think about them now. Days of complete loneliness. Days when I would not utter a word because I had no one to talk to. Things ate so different now that I find it amazing to think about those days. 

I may go to a movie. Then walk around the city. Maybe go into a bookstore and spend some time just browsing books. Then go someplace to eat and then head home. Hopefully there would be a movie on some independent station. This was before cable had come to the city, of course. Then maybe lsiten to some music and then sleep. 

No words, just silence.