let go of the fear.
at 3am
my thoughts were that.
let go.
smile.
let it happen.

feeling better.
at midnight too.
imagine that.

"Oh, come on...

Face it.

You're bisexual",  she told when we were having drinks

In Brooklyn. 

I smiled.

A smile that said yes.

It was a moment of freedom.

Of letting it all in the open.

And were even closer friends in that moment.

And we laughed

And talked about life, and the future.

And about guys.

And girls.

There, freedom.

must be hard to be told that.
that you need someone
to take care of you.
that you will no longer be
the independent person
you once were.
I saw it on my father's face tonight.
the
sorrow
of knowing.
the eyes said it all.
must be tough.
(but he'll realize)
he is still the coolest one.

What if?

What if?

Go away.

Go away.

Last night I went back to Philadelphia.

And got lost traveling.

Feeling helpless.

Panic.

Where am I?

Is this Philadelphia?

Found some people.

Told me I was far from the city.

But no one told me

the way to get there.

I was lost forever

in a place i didn't know.

I tried to get to Philadelphia

last night.

But could not.

Woman playing with baby.

A guy touching his wife's arm lovingly.

The security guard walks by.

A man jogs.

I look and suddenly the woman 

And her baby are gone.

(Where?)

Always afraid.

Gutless.

Expecting the worst.

Thinking of everything that could possibly go wrong.

That's no way to do it.

Thta's a stupid way to go about it.

Having coffee 

Watching the people go by.

But  I don't see them.

Only the thoughts of 

me breaking down.

Why do I take photos
of me naked?
To see what I am.
To show I'm an artist who is not afraid?
To see what people say?
To know.
To fuck my mind.

I'm turning into an old man.
My mind is not.
That's the tragedy, isn't it?
That's what makes it so hard.

I can dream
and pretend,
It's a right.
Maybe it's in the Constitution.
Right? (yes)

Shot a huge load.
But it did not go that far.
My balls hurt a bit.
Huge loads are unusual these days.
Hard-ons almost as rare.
Middle age.
Fuck.

Pussy.
That's it.
My one-track mind.
I'm like this sometimes.

Do you know the way home?
Can't find it now.
No matter
how hard I try.
(My address is this)
Maybe you have been there.

El señor se sienta a tomar café.
La chica linda se toca el cabello y se pone sexy.
No se miran.
Ella alza la pierna un poco y mira como preparan el café.
Recibe su café.
Yo me doy un sorbo de café
y dejo de mirar.

Claramente.
Sin duda alguna.
Así pasa.
Pasa sin poder evitarlo.
¿Entiendes?

And I fall
and bounce back.
Here I go.
Just watch.

I love having
a glass of wine with her.
It is life.

I move my hands
in front of me.
I see them move.
As if trying to
make sure
I'm alive.
Move.Move.
I am
I am.

Escribo mucho esto días.
Estoy lleno de palabras.
Lleno.

¿Sabes qué?
Está bien.
Más que bien.

You can face it
and not blink.

Bisexual.
Bilateral.
Bilingual.
By the way.
So much about that.

estoy cansado de tener miedo.
mas bien miedos.
de ir por la vida
pensando que lo peor va a ocurrir.
que soy debil y me voy
a destrozar en pedacitos pequeños
por cualquier cosa.
estoy harto de sentir malestar
en el estomago,
de tener dolores de cabeza de tensión.
no puedo mas con los ataques de ansiedad.
no quiero mas eso.
estoy harto.
ya.
no.

Blue.
Blue.
You.
You.
Too.
Too.

I'll fight.
but it's Friday.
(not my day for that)

Open a book
on any page.
pick a word.
any one.
the night
is young.
there's still time.
do it. you can.
yes.

off the beaten path
walking slowly.
looking around.
a few steps.
and then I stop.
I like stopping.
I really do.Stop.
Look. continue.
maybe.

bored.
groggy.
tasting my pre-cum
while I think of nothing
in particular.
(that's it)
stroking to nothing.
and I look at the ceiling.

one night

It hurts a bit
But it's distant kind of pain.
an echo?
a whisper?
It's somewhere inside me.
If I really try hard,
I can feel it stronger.
But most of the time
I don't.
And I just let it
be that distant.
A long forgotten thing.
Did I say a whisper?
Well, it's
not even that.

quiero pensar en algo.
pero el tiempo no me da.
tengo todo el día.
Pero cuando comienzo me da por ver
por la ventana.
Ya sé.
Se trata de pensar y no puedo hacerlo.
Mira.
¿Qué hace esa gente en la calle?
¿Me invento una historia?
Nada.
No quiero pensar.
Y esta noche ni escribir.

I see.
the sun.
the ocean.
your face
in the widow.
(but seeing that)
I close
my eyes.
they hurt.
and itch.
and I can't see too well.

A sound coming from the street.

Reminds me of blue.

Of feet and faces.

Of smiles and whispers.

( and i suddenly get a jolt)

Suddenly.

Like that.

Capture a second.

An instant.

A slice of my life.

Something that will never happen again.

Now it's here.

Morning.

Early.

Sun coming out. 

Coffee.

Stroked my cock.

Came on my belly.

Huge load.

Another coffee now.

Here's me.

Not perfect by any means.

My body showing the signs of middle age.

My mind still sharp I think.

I can make you laugh.

Make you think sometimes.

(This is who I am)

At least tonight.

At least.

Saturday's fine.

Especially on a warm day.

Especially when it's sunny.

(And my mind is way beyond the trees 

that sit just beyond the street)

So far.

So far.

It's three o'clock.

It's fine.

Rambling as usual.

And the thing is 

I'm happy.

And horny.

And it's fine.

as I write this
I'm not here.
I'm
traveling.
(not to a place you know)
simply
visiting
the storm that is forming outside.
can you see it?
can you smell it?

notwithstanding
the thoughts I'm having.
the memories
that
come
(sometimes late at night)
the world
(or my world, maybe)
is telling me
it's fine.
the
thoughts
linger.
notwithstanding
my hands
on the table.
(looking out)
looking outside.

tonight I don't care.
fuck the world.
fuck this.
fuck that.
it's fine.
who cares?
fuck my ass
if you want.
with a dildo.
with a strap-on.
with a cock.
go ahead.
I can take
what you have.

hotel room

hotel rooms
(I get horny in them)

stroking my cock
to bisexual porn.
with two glasses of wine in me.
used to feel guilty about things like that.
but I don't anymore.
watching the girl and the guy.
and the two guys too.
it's all ok.
it's all right.
(tonight it is)