ok. yes.
I know.
pretty obvious now.
it figures.
well,
I will walk anyway.
and take my photos.
and write, yes, write.
and smile.
I am like that.
I get inspired by it.
it makes me better.

There is some noise outside.

I try to close my eyes anyway.

The sound fades away.

Like everything does eventually.

I have the "let's just be friends" speech down pat. I can recite for having received it so many times. After one date, after having had sex a couple of times, after a relatioship of a few months. I cantell when they're going to say it. Basically because it is preceded by the " we should talk" line.

I'm trying to decide which one hurt the most. Maybe the one with B. I had been crazy about her since high school, but nithing had happened. Suddenly I see her again at a small party and it was awesome. The chemistry was there. It seemed like a wonderful story, meeting again 10 years after high school. 

On the first date she gave a short kiss. Ok. I thought.

On the second date, the same. Still I was crazy about her.

On the third date, I tried to kiss her passionately in the mouth and she panicked. You could have sworn she was terrified by my act. It seemed I had done something terrible. The night ended on a weird note.

Next day she called me and gave me the let's be friends routine. That hurt. She did not even guve me a chance. 

I saw her years later at a dinner party. We talked a bit. I was still dying for her. Life is that way.

I don't recall what I did when I got home after dinner. Probably played an old, sad song and had a beer.

And maybe think about how things could have been different.

I love the silence.

I am not afraid of it.

Silence when I'm alone.

Silence when I'm with a good friend.

Silence with a lover.

Silence is sometimes deeper and stronger than words.

Some people have to fill every moment with words, jokes, cleverness.

Not me.

Give me silence and a smile and I'm the happiest person in the world.

The other day I thought of M, a guy I used to know in college. He was Jewish, but had an obsession with oriental women. That's all he dated and cared about. He once came to visit me and I asked him whether he would be interested in a Latino women, and he would agree that some of them were really sexy. But not as sexy as Oriental women.

He was one of the first persons I knew who went into online dating sites. Back when it was something reserved for losers of both sexes. He had date after terrible date, but always with an Oriental woman.

We lost touch many years ago. This was in the age before texts, emails and less intrusive communication forms, so he used to call me at night a couple of times a month to talk. And me, being tired from work was in no mood to answer. Guess he got mad and didn't call me again. I tried to reach out with an email telling him I wanted to know how he was doing. He never answered.

But one day I googled his name and it led to a blog. In it was a photo of M getting married. He was beaming with joy. Next to him was the bride. An Asian woman. 

I smiled.

Note to self. Go on heavy diet when I get home. 

The ocean rolling by.

Just the sound of that.

My thoughts are calm, surprise, surprise.

Decisions to a minimum.

Just this.

This.

Seeing the view.

Capuccino in hand. All good.

Good night sweet prince....

The day is gone.

A chance closes.

I am sort of sleepy.

There's a book next to me in bed.

A book about positive thinking.

I like reading things like that late at night. 

To feel things are fine.

Life is what we deem it.

Right?

I wonder why I'm looking back like this. There is no need. And why concentrate on the bad things, when there were good moments. But I need to trace back the darkness, the fears. And they were there all the time. Now I understand somewhat. 

There were moments back then that scare me when I think about them now. Days of complete loneliness. Days when I would not utter a word because I had no one to talk to. Things ate so different now that I find it amazing to think about those days. 

I may go to a movie. Then walk around the city. Maybe go into a bookstore and spend some time just browsing books. Then go someplace to eat and then head home. Hopefully there would be a movie on some independent station. This was before cable had come to the city, of course. Then maybe lsiten to some music and then sleep. 

No words, just silence. 

I was bullied by two guys all throughout junior high school. One of them used to be a friend when we were 5-6 years old. But for some reason when we reached jr high, he took pleasure in belittling and humiliating me. He would make fun of my height, calling me a dwarf. He would do this constantly in front of others.

The other guy was weirder. He didn't know me at all. He would simply push me or shove me at any opportunity. For no reason. If there was a school activity, he would look me and push me.He was a big guy, the head of the volleyball and basketball team, a really popular guy with the girls. There was no reason for him to do that to me. But he would constantly.I never knew why. And just like that, he stopped it.

I also saw some of my friends bully others. Especially they would bully a couple of guys who may have been gay. It was really cruel. And it used to bother me, but I did nothing. I may have even laughed, out of nervousness and out of trying to be cool. I never did the bullying, but I feel I should have done something to stop my friend's macho posturing. Strangely enough one of my friends who bullied may have been gay himself. I used to hang out with him later in life and he was incredibly uncomfortable around women, as if he didn't have any sexual attraction towards them and had to struggle to fake it in front of others. Sad man, really.

anxiety has always been a part of my life. It's just I didn't know it until a few years ago. Ever since I was a child my parents would install fear in me about everything, telling me not to do this or that because it was dangerous. Don't ride a bike, there is too much traffic here. (I never learned to ride a bike because of this). Don't walk so far away. Be careful of this, of this other thing.
I understand parental concern, but it was so hard for me to do anything out of the routine.

So I stuck to routines from that young age. I remember one day the school bus left me. And I had my first panic attack. Something which was uncalled for, because I had a friend who lived 3 blocks from school. I just had to go there and his mother would drive me home. But suddenly it seemed the world was falling apart. I started trembling and crying. Finally I did walk to that house and I was driven home. But just the thought of it made me lose it. I was like that from such a young age.

words can not describe how exhausted I am.

everything was more or less the same....

The aloneness feels soothing.

Kind of soft, if that's a word one can use to describe something like that.

The books, the writings, the photos.

An old song that used to mean so much and now only serves to slightly awaken an old pain.

The silence between the music.

Expectations.

Anxieties.

All gone.

Yes, soft was the correct word.

Must be 25 degrees, he though as he walked home. He had just finished dinner where he had talked with a couple of people. It was the first conversation he had had in two days. He wondered whether they had noticed that. He entered the rundown building where he lived and checked the mail. There were a couple of magazines for him. He walked the stairs to his second floor apartment. He was home. Or what passed for it, he thought. It was warmer. There were 23 days left until he got home, to the warmth of the island and to his friends. But it was still here.
Here where he was alone. He turned on the tv.

haven't written here for a while.
maybe because there is a certain stability in me.
and I usually write when my mind is full of doubt.
and things are kind of clear.

losing my touch.
so I thought.
but not quite.
(still have something)

relativamente tranquilo.
sin pensar mucho.
leyendo.
sobándome la panza un poco.
pero bien.

Where is this heading?

Enjoy the ride please.

Stop the noise.

Stop the thoughts.

There is a reason for this.

But you won't know it until

the sun rises.

Or maybe not even then.

This is me right now,

On the bed.

Naked.

My eyes irritated.

My small cock, limp.

Curtains drawn.

Not tired, but lazy.

Ayer estuve hablando con una amiga sobre este blog. Le dije que nadie lo lee. Y ella me dijo, que ese no era el punto. Que el blog es para mi, no para otros. Y me gustó eso. A ratos cuando escribo o posteo pienso en lo que un lector pensaría. Pero, carajo, esto es anónimo, excepto para par de personas. Pero ese par de personas me conocen muy bien y no le importa ver mi lado oscuro. Saben de mi lios, nada que escribanomponga de foto le va a causar shock.

Así que que libèrate. Haz lo que quieras.

no fue mal esta vez.
no lo hice mal.
todavía me queda algo.
la confianza.
el saber que
a veces la experiencia ayuda.
me siento bien.
y ahora a dar una vuelta.

Anoche dormí mal.

Tristeza.

Impotencia.

No saber qué hacer.

Me duele el alma.

Pero

Sigo.

Trabajo.

Sonrío. 

Trato.

every call I jump.
expecting the worst.
I try and I try.
and do things to ease my mind.
but it is so hard to do.

sudden moves.
Friday afternoon.
talk about the future.
unsure about things.
a glass of water.
a smile.
sun is out.

can I ask you something?
real quick.
it's a short one.
like
How are you?
and things such as that.
can you answer?

taking it easy this time.
not trying to think too ahead.
let go.
smile.
everything happens.
it does.

Yesterday I became concerned

About what people think of me.

My weirdness.

My eccentricities.

My not so normal life.

I had not thought about it for a long time.

Figuring the older one gets, the less one worries about such things.

But for some reason, those thoughts have come back.

Thoughts rushing by.

They don't leave me alone.

Mind please be calm.

Be calm.

It is so hard to see this.

I hold your hand so frail.

You are fading.

Although for moments the smile comes through.

I am losing you to time.

To life.

To eternity.

I hold your hand.

Can't let go.

en realidad es no tener miedo.
ver la aventura envuelta.
algo así.

ya casi no escribo aquí.
en realidad lo hacía cuando estaba lleno de dudas y ansiedades.
y ya no lo estoy tanto.
era un desahogo.
ahora ando con mi cámara, ya no escribo como antes.
pero está bien.
no hay problema.

Loud bar.
what are you saying?
Oh, yes.
well, time flies.
let me escape.

I can be stronger.

I know I can.

If I try.

And I can.

I can be a better man.

Of course.

Stay a while

And you'll see.

hoy dejé que algo relativamente insignificante me arruinara la mañana. Me puse tan nervioso que derramé mi jugo en Starbucks. De pronto me dije, oye, lo único para pensar así es si fuera algo de salud. pero no lo es. Es algo que me imagino se puede arreglar mañana. Un simple problema de la casa de agua.

Me asusta lo frágil que a veces soy.

why bother?
to be letdown again?
to be told "let's be friends again"?
to walk home alone once more?
maybe I'll give it shot anyway.
I'm like that sometimes.
but I can see
that walk home.
I can breath it.
(even though I still don't know what
to do)

maybe I should take a short escape.
to a place where no one knows me.
and be anyone I want.
and spend the night
seeing it through the eyes of wine.
(maybe I should do that)

soy un mierda.
lo soy.
un pendejo.
un loser.
una persona que no vale nada.

un recuerdo

"No quiero decir que es malo...
es que nosotros ya superamos ese tipo de idea...
buscamos más profundidad, sabés lo que digo?" dijo él, mientras tomaba mate en su escritorio.

"yeah, I know, you perfect asshole", pensé

I hate condescension.

Miro y no veo mucho.

Solo dos personas hablando rodeadas

De charcos que dejó la lluvia

Y que ahora sólo sirven para reflejar

los edificios alrededor.

You accept it.

You face it.

Or you drown it with writings, movies and song.

And you figure out

that maybe it's fine.

we became friends a few years back. we met through a website dealing with movies.
When I went to the States we met for lunch and had long talk about cinema. We kept e-mailing about favorite films and our friendship grew.

Then I sent you a link to my movie blog but by linking you found my personal blog where I posted myself naked in words and photos. And suddenly I freaked out when you showed this other side of you. The side of you that I didn't know. The sexual side of you that lusted after another man. I didn't know what to make of it and for a while I didn't know how to react.Having a bisexual side myself, I understood, but I felt strange having someone I considered a mere friend feel that way about me, especially in such a honest, direct way.Especially a man so much older than me.

Luckily by talking to a friend I was able to understand. To realize that it was ok. And we kept exchanging e-mails and talking mostly about movies. I came to realize how brave you were, being bisexual at a time when that must have been such a difficult thing. And I am happy I was able to convey that to you.

pierdo el interés fácilmente.
me voy en tangentes.
(no es que me importe tanto)
pero a veces debo volver al presente.
creo.

Fast like I can be.

Making faces.

Running scared.

Being me.

Just barely.

So many fights I've lost.

Some not.

Lucky guy.

Smart maybe.

So long.

See you.

A cup of coffee. 

Old woman walks slowly by the door.

Small talk to my right.

a glass of wine.
a few words come to my head.
words like
ones I used to write long ago.
I write them down.
and I look at them for a few minutes.
why them?

my heart
my feelings.
my eyes.
my hair.
my sadness.
my smiles.
my cock.
my anxieties.
my laughs.
my ass.
my longing.
my balls.
my hands.
my fingers.
my dreams.
fuck them.
ignore them.
say they are invisible.
(they are not real)
I know.

something else

feeling restless so late at night.
I think of everything.
life. death.
tomorrow.
I want to think of something else.
I watch some bisexual porn online
and stroke my cock
slowly.
filling my mind
with something else.
with thoughts oh her,
of him.
I don't care.
restless turns to something else.
don't ask me what it is.

I am here.
see?
look.
right here.
I know. I know.

Trying so hard

doesn't  cut it.

Makes it clumsy and weird.

So let's try this other way.

And see what happens.

ya no lo peleo como antes.
ni me torturo.
dejo que sea lo que sea.
y poco a poco
las cosas van mejor.
no vale la pena
pelear contra las cosas.
dejarse llevar
tiene su mérito.
y tiene su valentía.

For a few seconds last night I had no control over anything.
Nature would decide everything.
life. death.
it was up to forces beyond any human reach.
today I woke up with headache.
had some coffee and it went away.
But not the feeling of those few seconds.
it never does, you know.

two shots

do not think.
just go.
and enjoy if you can.
that's it.

well on Tuesday I will try again.
give it another shot.
Telling myself
not too stress myself.
or put too much pressure on me.
see what happens.
if it goes right, great.
if it doesn't,
it's okay.
and that's it.
simple.

Comienza otro año.
Y aquí con mi blog secreto.
Nunca seguro de que hacer en él.
Escribir mi diario.
Poemas.
Poner fotos sexuales.
un poco de todo, me imagino.
y eso seguiré haciendo.
aunque nadie pase por él.