what am I to you?
(sometimes I don't know)
and sometimes I wonder whether
I would really like to know.

a few minutes more.
that's it.
the wait is not so long
if I put it like that.
just a few minutes.
they will go by fast.
(I think)
maybe it's me.

I cum on my hand.
I cum on my dreams.
my fears.
I cum on my belly
I cum on my future
my past.
I shoot a load
of sticky cum
on it all.
and lick it if I have to.

Fear is everywhere.
the thing is to look the other way.
there is a choice.
and I was making the wrong one.
there is beauty everywhere.
and I was looking the other way.

it doesn't mean that much now.
I don't look back.
I am where I am.
and that's all.
and I'm fine.
(maybe even a bit more than fine).

acabo de llegar de ver a mis padres.
Mi madre está tan malita.
verla sufrir así
me parte el alma.
y lo peor
es que me siento tan inútil.
no puedo hacer nada.
tratar de hacerla sonreir.
de que piense en otra cosa
que no sea su dolor.
a veces lograba mi cometido.
pero cada vez es más difícil
sacarle una sonrisa.
el dolor
la está alejando más y más.
y no puedo hacer nada.
acabo de llegar de ver a mis padres
y todo lo que puedo hacer es desahogarme
aquí.

yo soy

just me

worst panic attack in years.
thank goodness I had the medication close to me.
and in a few moments it was gone.
Same sudden feelings that I'm about to die.
Same irrational fears.
Even though people tell me I'm healthy,
I still believe there is something wrong with me.
any unusual thing I turn into a catastrophe.
It makes me angry I'm doing this to myself.
Torturing myself for no reason.
Doing this to me is so stupid.
But at the moment of panic, it is serious and real.
damn.

my mood hangs by fine threads.
everything is fine.
then it all falls apart.
feeling well now.
then weak.
then I feel the anxiety.
then it goes away.
I'm looking for things to worry about.
searching for things to panic about.
then I slow down.
then it's ok.

today I learned a lesson.
should have been more calm.
should have been more in the here and now.
instead I was tense.
and touchy.
and stupid.
lesson learned.
I hope.

it never goes away really.
you have to fight it every day.
I win most of the time
although once a week a small thing can trigger
the thoughts.
they say anxiety is like alcoholism.
you are always an alcoholic.
you are always an anxious person.
but you fight it one day at a time.
and feel happy when a day goes by
in which you didn't feel the anxiety.
a small battle won.
(good for me)