worst panic attack in years.
thank goodness I had the medication close to me.
and in a few moments it was gone.
Same sudden feelings that I'm about to die.
Same irrational fears.
Even though people tell me I'm healthy,
I still believe there is something wrong with me.
any unusual thing I turn into a catastrophe.
It makes me angry I'm doing this to myself.
Torturing myself for no reason.
Doing this to me is so stupid.
But at the moment of panic, it is serious and real.
damn.

my mood hangs by fine threads.
everything is fine.
then it all falls apart.
feeling well now.
then weak.
then I feel the anxiety.
then it goes away.
I'm looking for things to worry about.
searching for things to panic about.
then I slow down.
then it's ok.

today I learned a lesson.
should have been more calm.
should have been more in the here and now.
instead I was tense.
and touchy.
and stupid.
lesson learned.
I hope.

it never goes away really.
you have to fight it every day.
I win most of the time
although once a week a small thing can trigger
the thoughts.
they say anxiety is like alcoholism.
you are always an alcoholic.
you are always an anxious person.
but you fight it one day at a time.
and feel happy when a day goes by
in which you didn't feel the anxiety.
a small battle won.
(good for me)

ya dejo de mirarme.
de ver todo
lo que me deja saber
como el tiempo pasa.
ya miro hacia al lado
y sigo mi camino.
ya dejo de analizarme.
de preguntarme
una cosa y la otra.
sólo soy yo.
yo solamente.

In vino

In wine there is joy
laughs
tears
My tongue speaks more than it should.
I become honest,
true
sexual.
I fantasize
and push reality to a side.
In vino veritas.
The truth.
My truth.

Death has a peculiar way of appearing in our lives.
A few days ago a friend of mine who used to read this blog died.
Although we would only see each other twice a year, we used to exchange a lot of e-mails about movies.
And we was also helpful in some tough times.

Today I visited my mother and she told me she thinks she's going to die soon.
And she grabbed my hand and confessed "I don't want to die yet."
It was a heartbreaking moment.
my eyes got full of tears.
It was such an honest moment,
such a human moment.
It was life and human emotions at its most basic and true.
yes, I hate how death creeps on our lives.
always there.
not spoken.

it was good seeing you again.
I used to think you were the one.
but not anymore.
I used to want you so badly,
to get hard just watching you
come into a room.
the sex we shared.
if only for a few times.
it was good, or at least I imagine it was
in some part of my brain.
but now it's all calm.
it's just two people
sharing a story,
a laugh,
some dinner.
I liked seeing you again.
no kidding.
I loved it.

today I took a newspaper
to a neighborhood
coffee house.
read it.
and the waitress brought me
the best coffee I have had in a long time.
and I looked around me.
and for a moment realized
this was a good moment.
(then I went back to my coffee)
it was damn good.

found an old letter
the other day.
back from a time when letters were written by hand.
it was from B.
it was a friendly letter thanking me
for having been so nice.
it was a simple letter full of warm wishes
for the future.
wow,how I wished it would have been more than that.
there was a promise to keep writing.
but I knew very well that wasn't going to happen
although I'm pretty sure I answered.
I am a bit of a fool like that.
Anyway, I wasn't sure what to do about that letter.
Throw it away?
no, I didn't.
I saved it.
I placed it back in the envelope
very carefully.
and back to the drawer it went.
with its contents full of "how are u?"s.
and "it was so much fun".
maybe in a few years I'll read it again.
I am a bit of a fool like that.

uneventful is good.
it means nothing much dramatic happened.
and that's what I like to hear these days.
a few walks, a few photos,
a couple of glasses of wine with
friends.
nothing to write home about.
(but that's fine)
that's fine.

I feel like writing.
there were times
when I felt like that because I was down.
and needed some sort of release.
but not tonight,
I feel like writing
just because I do.