had as short episode today.
but I'm fine now.
it's o.k.

Having my coffee

Looking at old messages.

Revisiting a year tha's coming to an end.

Still the same old me or has something changed?

Maybe to both.

I feel freer.

That's for sure.

Less concerned with what others think.

But the anxiety comes in once in a while.

When it happens I fill my head with thoughts of thankfulness, with thoughts of family and friends, and it eases away.

Fill your head with good things.

Your body too.

Merry christmas.

a middle age man with morning wood.
that's it.
morning.
am.
mañana.
early.
temprano.
it lasted
very little.
got soft.
limp.

there's a silence tonight.
unusual.
just the sounds of crickets.
and in the distance, is that a wave crashing?

I have a new camera.
practicing with it.
I feel good behind the lens now.
I feel more sure of myself.
capturing a moment
here and there.
an instant.
and I shot it.

forgiving my faults.
forgiveness.
I forgive others.
why is it so hard to forgive myself?
Why do I only demand perfection from me?
damn.
fuck.

my 4 inch cock yearns for you.
I know it's funny, so small.
I know.

some wine
some dreams
a bit of fantasy
a lot of music
you next to me
dancing
you feel so amazing
do me
I will do you
some more
tonight

there you all are
doing the same things.
drinking
and pretending it's great
when I know you all want to be someplace else.
but you take your photo,
place it on Instagram.
and fake a toast.
still doing that.
I'm glad I'm not.

here's my small dick.
tiny.
small.
it's what I have, you know.
suck it if you want to.
put it inside you,
it's small.
(it's o.k.)

you touched my neck so gently
and I almost came.

so what is is you want?
are you sure what it is?
its late
but tomorrow
you're still you.
choose wisely.
chose right.
close your eyes.
and dream a bit.
(and when you wake up
take a chance)

helpless sometimes.
sad, sometimes.
but less so
every day.
seeing things.
noticing.
and taking my time.

used to laugh
at people searching for meaning.
until I found myself doing just that.
maybe searching more for wisdom.
and found some things that
gave me peace of mind.
in Buddhism.
in Christianity.
in Tao.
in the words of poets.
and suddenly
I felt better.
words written many years ago.
I found peace.
for now, at least.

it was our little secret so many years back.
the having a few beers.
and the curiosity.
the jokes.
the teasing.
the decision to go for it.
seeing your cock.
touching it.
feeling it grow.
putting it in my mouth.
(so that's how it feels like)
laughing. playing.just fun, you see.
we didn't know what to do, really.
so we stroked each other
and came.
our little secret.
it's still safe with me.

feeling better since I changed a few things.
the way I eat.
the way I think.
the exercise routine.
I like the changes.

A distant gaze. Not quite there.

Slowly drifting away.

Saying goodbyes.

Telling us he loved us.

Took some photos of the moment.

A reminder of the time when you were

going away so slowly!

so sadly,

But so bravely.

smiling more, I guess.
thanks to thoughts.
thanks to going
back
to
the real important things.
simple, really.

Look at my tiny cock.

Playful I guess.

Ready for a woman

or a man.

My small cock loves

everybody.

Walked past the place where

we used to meet for lunch.

Long conversations about movies.

I thought I was a movie buff,

but you knew so much more.

I miss those talks.

And your messages

alerting me of an interesting movie

on cable.

I will never be able to have 

conversations like that.

All that passed through my mind

when I walked past the place

where we used to have lunch.

Laugh.

Make fun of me.

Don't mind. 

Used to it.

Ok.

Ok.

somebody
tell me
the way
to it?

Gave it my best.

And still I feel 

they think I could have done more.

But sorry.

This is what I can give.

Maybe many years ago I could give more.

But not anymore.

And I'm happy with that.

i am

few clouds.
a loud noise interrupting the quiet.
taste of onion on my mouth.

My cock is small.

Recurring dream

It's about to get cold.

But I had forgotten about winter.

And only have summer clothes.

End. 

I recall your pussy.

I remember its taste.

I can you know.

I can.

Beautiful sunset.

Love you.

You still amaze me.

Makes me calm,

quiet.

Pure.

True.

Some fears fade away.

Like showers on a summer evening.

Then

They appear again

tomorrow.

Fade away

Return.

Like that.

at the hotel

at the hotel.
masturbating.

I dream a lot that I'm going about town barefoot. This is what it's supposed to mean:

"To dream that you are barefoot represents your playful attitudes and relaxed, carefree frame of mind. Alternatively, being barefoot indicates poverty, lack of mobility, or misunderstanding. You have low self-esteem and lack confidence in yourself. Or you may be dealing with issues concerning your self-identity. You are unprepared for what is ahead for you."

noon and I'm at home.
going back to work in a few minutes.
writing a bit.
not thinking too much.
(good thing both)

two glasses of wine
on a Thursday night.
Happy Hour.
letting go.
easing things.
loosening my tongue.
feeling less like hiding.
being real.
feeling right.

with these thoughts
I went in.
and things were fine.
the darkness
was a little less so.
and I keep going.
(it's early still)

it was as I thought it would be.
no more.
but I should have know better.
I should have followed by gut feeling.
why do I always go against my gut feeling?
do I think there's something wrong with me and I can't trust
my heart?
yes,
that's it.
dammit.

placing negative thoughts on hold.
driving them away.
that's all.
so easy, really.

long time no see.
(look at her breasts)
doing fine.
(still looking sexy)
I'm freelancing.
(do I ask her for lunch?)
well, let's get together some day.
(her ass looks good as she walks away)

let go of the fear.
at 3am
my thoughts were that.
let go.
smile.
let it happen.

feeling better.
at midnight too.
imagine that.

"Oh, come on...

Face it.

You're bisexual",  she told when we were having drinks

In Brooklyn. 

I smiled.

A smile that said yes.

It was a moment of freedom.

Of letting it all in the open.

And were even closer friends in that moment.

And we laughed

And talked about life, and the future.

And about guys.

And girls.

There, freedom.

must be hard to be told that.
that you need someone
to take care of you.
that you will no longer be
the independent person
you once were.
I saw it on my father's face tonight.
the
sorrow
of knowing.
the eyes said it all.
must be tough.
(but he'll realize)
he is still the coolest one.

What if?

What if?

Go away.

Go away.

Last night I went back to Philadelphia.

And got lost traveling.

Feeling helpless.

Panic.

Where am I?

Is this Philadelphia?

Found some people.

Told me I was far from the city.

But no one told me

the way to get there.

I was lost forever

in a place i didn't know.

I tried to get to Philadelphia

last night.

But could not.

Woman playing with baby.

A guy touching his wife's arm lovingly.

The security guard walks by.

A man jogs.

I look and suddenly the woman 

And her baby are gone.

(Where?)

Always afraid.

Gutless.

Expecting the worst.

Thinking of everything that could possibly go wrong.

That's no way to do it.

Thta's a stupid way to go about it.

Having coffee 

Watching the people go by.

But  I don't see them.

Only the thoughts of 

me breaking down.

Why do I take photos
of me naked?
To see what I am.
To show I'm an artist who is not afraid?
To see what people say?
To know.
To fuck my mind.

I'm turning into an old man.
My mind is not.
That's the tragedy, isn't it?
That's what makes it so hard.

I can dream
and pretend,
It's a right.
Maybe it's in the Constitution.
Right? (yes)

Shot a huge load.
But it did not go that far.
My balls hurt a bit.
Huge loads are unusual these days.
Hard-ons almost as rare.
Middle age.
Fuck.

Pussy.
That's it.
My one-track mind.
I'm like this sometimes.

Do you know the way home?
Can't find it now.
No matter
how hard I try.
(My address is this)
Maybe you have been there.

El señor se sienta a tomar café.
La chica linda se toca el cabello y se pone sexy.
No se miran.
Ella alza la pierna un poco y mira como preparan el café.
Recibe su café.
Yo me doy un sorbo de café
y dejo de mirar.

Claramente.
Sin duda alguna.
Así pasa.
Pasa sin poder evitarlo.
¿Entiendes?

And I fall
and bounce back.
Here I go.
Just watch.

I love having
a glass of wine with her.
It is life.

I move my hands
in front of me.
I see them move.
As if trying to
make sure
I'm alive.
Move.Move.
I am
I am.

Escribo mucho esto días.
Estoy lleno de palabras.
Lleno.

¿Sabes qué?
Está bien.
Más que bien.

You can face it
and not blink.

Bisexual.
Bilateral.
Bilingual.
By the way.
So much about that.

estoy cansado de tener miedo.
mas bien miedos.
de ir por la vida
pensando que lo peor va a ocurrir.
que soy debil y me voy
a destrozar en pedacitos pequeños
por cualquier cosa.
estoy harto de sentir malestar
en el estomago,
de tener dolores de cabeza de tensión.
no puedo mas con los ataques de ansiedad.
no quiero mas eso.
estoy harto.
ya.
no.

Blue.
Blue.
You.
You.
Too.
Too.

I'll fight.
but it's Friday.
(not my day for that)

Open a book
on any page.
pick a word.
any one.
the night
is young.
there's still time.
do it. you can.
yes.

off the beaten path
walking slowly.
looking around.
a few steps.
and then I stop.
I like stopping.
I really do.Stop.
Look. continue.
maybe.

bored.
groggy.
tasting my pre-cum
while I think of nothing
in particular.
(that's it)
stroking to nothing.
and I look at the ceiling.

one night

It hurts a bit
But it's distant kind of pain.
an echo?
a whisper?
It's somewhere inside me.
If I really try hard,
I can feel it stronger.
But most of the time
I don't.
And I just let it
be that distant.
A long forgotten thing.
Did I say a whisper?
Well, it's
not even that.

quiero pensar en algo.
pero el tiempo no me da.
tengo todo el día.
Pero cuando comienzo me da por ver
por la ventana.
Ya sé.
Se trata de pensar y no puedo hacerlo.
Mira.
¿Qué hace esa gente en la calle?
¿Me invento una historia?
Nada.
No quiero pensar.
Y esta noche ni escribir.

I see.
the sun.
the ocean.
your face
in the widow.
(but seeing that)
I close
my eyes.
they hurt.
and itch.
and I can't see too well.

A sound coming from the street.

Reminds me of blue.

Of feet and faces.

Of smiles and whispers.

( and i suddenly get a jolt)

Suddenly.

Like that.

Capture a second.

An instant.

A slice of my life.

Something that will never happen again.

Now it's here.

Morning.

Early.

Sun coming out. 

Coffee.

Stroked my cock.

Came on my belly.

Huge load.

Another coffee now.

Here's me.

Not perfect by any means.

My body showing the signs of middle age.

My mind still sharp I think.

I can make you laugh.

Make you think sometimes.

(This is who I am)

At least tonight.

At least.

Saturday's fine.

Especially on a warm day.

Especially when it's sunny.

(And my mind is way beyond the trees 

that sit just beyond the street)

So far.

So far.

It's three o'clock.

It's fine.

Rambling as usual.

And the thing is 

I'm happy.

And horny.

And it's fine.

as I write this
I'm not here.
I'm
traveling.
(not to a place you know)
simply
visiting
the storm that is forming outside.
can you see it?
can you smell it?

notwithstanding
the thoughts I'm having.
the memories
that
come
(sometimes late at night)
the world
(or my world, maybe)
is telling me
it's fine.
the
thoughts
linger.
notwithstanding
my hands
on the table.
(looking out)
looking outside.

tonight I don't care.
fuck the world.
fuck this.
fuck that.
it's fine.
who cares?
fuck my ass
if you want.
with a dildo.
with a strap-on.
with a cock.
go ahead.
I can take
what you have.

hotel room

hotel rooms
(I get horny in them)

stroking my cock
to bisexual porn.
with two glasses of wine in me.
used to feel guilty about things like that.
but I don't anymore.
watching the girl and the guy.
and the two guys too.
it's all ok.
it's all right.
(tonight it is)

a promise to be happy.
to look at the bright side.
keeping it.

it's fine.
I get it.
and I'm fine with it.
once upon a time
I would have been
devastated.
but not now.
the years
do that.
they make you realize
what matters
and what doesn't.
and it's easy.
just like that.
so easy.
it's so easy.

it's not for me anymore.
(not like it used to)
I get tired
I get bored.
I don't believe the bullshit anymore.
I can do it for a while,
but knowing it won't go on for long.
(I know)

a bit

a glass of wine.
a bit of music.
and everything is fine.

Well.

That's that.

Today's another day.

Let me make the best of that.

Look at me.
will you?
for a second that's all.
give me a chance
it won't take long.
see me differently.
it's not so hard if you try.
feel more for me.
realize
there's
someone here.
(so I hope you do)
but I know it will never happen.
it will never come true.
ok.
Look at me.
(will you?)

so I should stop with all the what ifs,
and just look,
at this at this, at this.

feeling relaxed.
feeling good. calm.
(content)
yes.

I knew it.

I've lost my love fot it.

Just realized that.

But deep inside i've known about it.

It's ok.

Actually I feel great.

That should tell me something. I 

A smile.
A song.
Thoughts rushing.

She made me smile
when we talked at noon.
I want her
but it's no use.
In the what if world,
she's tops.
But I know where to dare
and where I should not.
She made me feel good
for a few minutes.
Which is not bad
in reality
and in my dreams.

This will not matter tomorrow.
Not at all.

Salsa music on the speaker.
Coffee next to me.
Forgot to put sugar in it.
I am drinking it like this.

A photo of this moment.
Only in my mind.
Ok.
There.

Sorry for being like this.
For treating so badly.
I am sorry.
Will you forgive me?
(I do, i do)

Waking up.
Everything is quiet.
My mind is not.

Stop it.
Stop.
Make it go away.
Laugh.
Laugh.
Smile.
It's funny.
It is.

You can't hold two thoughts in your mind at the same time.
So why not block the negative thoughts by filling your head with happy ones?
Is is that easy?
Maybe it is.
Maybe.

Smiling through it all.
Maybe that's the way to go about it.
(Like that)

This

The sun was sort of shining and I could peek it through the curtains.
I was ready for the day.
Kind of smiling.
And my cock was hard.
I stroked it a bit, but that was that.
And I said to myself,
This is it.
This is all.
No sort of.
No kind of.
This sun. This cock. This day.

Move slowly.
That slow. Yes.
That slow.

Hasta que un día me de cuenta que soy un tonto que no supo hacer lo que debió haber hecho.

The fears are always there, you see.
Best you can do is make them go away.
Tell them to go to hell,
Or to a place far away from my mind.
Which is a place i have yet to find.

Shhhhh

Silencio.
Bueno quizás no completo.
Pero casi sí.
Mi respiración.
Mis pensamientos.
Al menos hoy no son auto destructivos.
Son sólo palabras sueltas.
Y eso es algo, no?

sigo
camino.
y no peleo.
(no lo hago)

lo mira como
quien ya aburre.
el perro pasa por el lado
y parece que huele algo.
la mesera con el cabello corto
me sonríe.
hace calor
y tengo deseos de una batida.
el viejito que siempre se sienta en el mismo lugar
trata de hablar con la cuarentona
de mil cirugías.
la mesera me pregunta que quiero
y le digo.
le miro las nalgas un poco al alejarse.
se nubla el cielo.
y ya son las nueve de la mañana.

just me, you know.
it's just the one
that was too scared
when it was time to
make a decision.
but that's long gone.
it is.
you know.

hay momentos es que estar aquí es fuerte.
y me voy hacia atrás
o me adelanto a todo.
pero cada vez más
trato de pensar
que el ahora es todo lo que tengo.
lo que tenemos.
todo lo demás es cuento.

me gusta así.
tranquilo.
sólo mi café.
sólo
sólo.
solo.

escucho mucho.
en la calle.
dentro de mi.
sonidos y palabras
o lo que parecen ser palabras.
todo me dice que siga adelante.

reflection

can't even handle two glasses of wine.
feeling tired.
amazing.

soft music.
my hands.
a thought of you.

what am I to you?
(sometimes I don't know)
and sometimes I wonder whether
I would really like to know.

a few minutes more.
that's it.
the wait is not so long
if I put it like that.
just a few minutes.
they will go by fast.
(I think)
maybe it's me.

I cum on my hand.
I cum on my dreams.
my fears.
I cum on my belly
I cum on my future
my past.
I shoot a load
of sticky cum
on it all.
and lick it if I have to.

Fear is everywhere.
the thing is to look the other way.
there is a choice.
and I was making the wrong one.
there is beauty everywhere.
and I was looking the other way.

it doesn't mean that much now.
I don't look back.
I am where I am.
and that's all.
and I'm fine.
(maybe even a bit more than fine).

acabo de llegar de ver a mis padres.
Mi madre está tan malita.
verla sufrir así
me parte el alma.
y lo peor
es que me siento tan inútil.
no puedo hacer nada.
tratar de hacerla sonreir.
de que piense en otra cosa
que no sea su dolor.
a veces lograba mi cometido.
pero cada vez es más difícil
sacarle una sonrisa.
el dolor
la está alejando más y más.
y no puedo hacer nada.
acabo de llegar de ver a mis padres
y todo lo que puedo hacer es desahogarme
aquí.

yo soy

just me

worst panic attack in years.
thank goodness I had the medication close to me.
and in a few moments it was gone.
Same sudden feelings that I'm about to die.
Same irrational fears.
Even though people tell me I'm healthy,
I still believe there is something wrong with me.
any unusual thing I turn into a catastrophe.
It makes me angry I'm doing this to myself.
Torturing myself for no reason.
Doing this to me is so stupid.
But at the moment of panic, it is serious and real.
damn.

my mood hangs by fine threads.
everything is fine.
then it all falls apart.
feeling well now.
then weak.
then I feel the anxiety.
then it goes away.
I'm looking for things to worry about.
searching for things to panic about.
then I slow down.
then it's ok.

today I learned a lesson.
should have been more calm.
should have been more in the here and now.
instead I was tense.
and touchy.
and stupid.
lesson learned.
I hope.

it never goes away really.
you have to fight it every day.
I win most of the time
although once a week a small thing can trigger
the thoughts.
they say anxiety is like alcoholism.
you are always an alcoholic.
you are always an anxious person.
but you fight it one day at a time.
and feel happy when a day goes by
in which you didn't feel the anxiety.
a small battle won.
(good for me)

ya dejo de mirarme.
de ver todo
lo que me deja saber
como el tiempo pasa.
ya miro hacia al lado
y sigo mi camino.
ya dejo de analizarme.
de preguntarme
una cosa y la otra.
sólo soy yo.
yo solamente.

In vino

In wine there is joy
laughs
tears
My tongue speaks more than it should.
I become honest,
true
sexual.
I fantasize
and push reality to a side.
In vino veritas.
The truth.
My truth.

Death has a peculiar way of appearing in our lives.
A few days ago a friend of mine who used to read this blog died.
Although we would only see each other twice a year, we used to exchange a lot of e-mails about movies.
And we was also helpful in some tough times.

Today I visited my mother and she told me she thinks she's going to die soon.
And she grabbed my hand and confessed "I don't want to die yet."
It was a heartbreaking moment.
my eyes got full of tears.
It was such an honest moment,
such a human moment.
It was life and human emotions at its most basic and true.
yes, I hate how death creeps on our lives.
always there.
not spoken.

it was good seeing you again.
I used to think you were the one.
but not anymore.
I used to want you so badly,
to get hard just watching you
come into a room.
the sex we shared.
if only for a few times.
it was good, or at least I imagine it was
in some part of my brain.
but now it's all calm.
it's just two people
sharing a story,
a laugh,
some dinner.
I liked seeing you again.
no kidding.
I loved it.

today I took a newspaper
to a neighborhood
coffee house.
read it.
and the waitress brought me
the best coffee I have had in a long time.
and I looked around me.
and for a moment realized
this was a good moment.
(then I went back to my coffee)
it was damn good.

found an old letter
the other day.
back from a time when letters were written by hand.
it was from B.
it was a friendly letter thanking me
for having been so nice.
it was a simple letter full of warm wishes
for the future.
wow,how I wished it would have been more than that.
there was a promise to keep writing.
but I knew very well that wasn't going to happen
although I'm pretty sure I answered.
I am a bit of a fool like that.
Anyway, I wasn't sure what to do about that letter.
Throw it away?
no, I didn't.
I saved it.
I placed it back in the envelope
very carefully.
and back to the drawer it went.
with its contents full of "how are u?"s.
and "it was so much fun".
maybe in a few years I'll read it again.
I am a bit of a fool like that.

uneventful is good.
it means nothing much dramatic happened.
and that's what I like to hear these days.
a few walks, a few photos,
a couple of glasses of wine with
friends.
nothing to write home about.
(but that's fine)
that's fine.

I feel like writing.
there were times
when I felt like that because I was down.
and needed some sort of release.
but not tonight,
I feel like writing
just because I do.

the streets are filled with sounds.
laughs, loud talk, some music.
a group having a fine time, I guess.
strangely the noise doesn't bother me tonight.
I have my music here.
an old tune about
falling in love.
Who knows how long I've loved you,
you know I love you still....

coffee before the sun comes out.
silence in the streets.
morning breeze hits my skin.

walking today
i stopped and looked at my reflection
in a store window.
kind of interesting
to do a simple thing like that.
I've done that before
and not like what I saw.
But today
I looked just for a second.
And thought it was ok.
I kind of like that guy.

waited for her at the cafe.
it was a quiet morning.
just a couple of people
looking at their cellphones
were there.
an old man who seems to spend his whole day
sitting there, was reading a newspaper.
the morning breeze was cooler than usual.
I looked at the distance
and she was walking my way.

new year

I've thought of what to do about the blog and starting today I will post here more often. I had stop because writing had stopped being fun. Since my work consisted of writing, it was hard for me to write in my free time. I would rather do other things such as take photos. But now I have more free time. So here I go in this new adventure.